R is officially home (again) and I’m excited but weary. Yesterday was hard and ended poorly- mainly me just hitting the proverbial end of my patience with all the kids. Read on for the full disclosure… #writerlife
The amount of brokenness, emotion, loss that pervades this home is simply overwhelming at times. We all share it and bring our own- from Anna up to Gabe. It is a house we’ve prayed ministry into and the broken have come in droves- of all shapes and size. Getting R back home is always a hard transition for her. We spend many nights crying over her many losses usually. Last night was especially hard for her, she’s on her leg all the time and is home now with new environments- school, church, etc. the mental and physical exertion she expends to navigate these environments is huge. Exhausted she mourned deeply the loss of her leg last night. Great big tears of grief and anguish over what all this loss means for her and her future. It’s the first time she’s really shown any emotion about it- for that I’m grateful but it’s heart-wrenching.
This season, since R got ill, has been hard to say the least. It’s been emotionally and mentally draining and I found myself most nights falling into bed with nothing left to give. It’s all been spent… whatever ‘it’ is…
The constant disruption in our life takes its toll. We seem to be in a chronic state of upheaval- kids coming and going, illness coming and going, jobs coming and going. This never-ending state of flux hits me hard at times. These last 24 hours especially.
I find myself longing for some predictability and constancy. For the dust to settle and STAY settled for longer than a week. I look forward with great anticipation to a return to normal- though admittedly I don’t actually know what that will look like for us now. That in it of itself can be fear-mongering. And I have to fight the urge to go hide for a few days.
Books and conferences will tell you all day how fostering, being a special needs parents, living through crisis… all these things take a toll on the family. It strains relationships, marriages, friendships, careers, and everything in between. We have the trifecta right now. But living between the pages of all these great thinking and knowledgeable chapters on what this life looks like is something different entirely. It is confounding and utterly defeating at times. You feel like you’re going too much and not enough all at the same time. You shed tears of inexplicable emotion at the most bizarre moments and then turn around and have none to conjure when it seems most obvious timing.
You question. Everything. Everyone. A lot.
You find yourself at the mercy of a demanding schedule while feeling entirely unscheduled all the time.
You feel like some days have far too many hours and others not enough by half.
I am grateful for this work we’ve entered into and the ability to share others burdens. But today I guess I just needed to show the other side. Many think we are some sort of superhero’s or extra Godly people. We aren’t. There is nothing special we do or have to offer. I’m not even sure we’re very <good> at what we do… but we are willing.
The day to day working out of this faithwalk is messy and extremely raw most of the time. It is losing my temper and patience more than I care to admit. It is asking once again for forgiveness from a spouse that too often you just high-five in the hallway as you pass by on your own errands. It is ramen noodles (again), messy buns, and forgetting the last time you showered. It is going to bed questioning your parenting skills and spending late nights asking the Father for <so much> extra grace to cover your MANY faults. Its being tired all the time, prone to sickness cause you care for everyone else before yourself, and eating whatever Mac n cheese or pizza rolls are left over after meals. It’s asking for help from others… again and again. It’s catching 2 mins listening to your Bible app between doctors appointments and then going days without meaningfully being in the Word for yourself. It’s being tempted to stop it all, drop the calling, and go back to the job that was easy, predictable, and financially stable… everyday. It’s being bombarded with what other people’s lives seemingly look like and fighting the ‘grass is greener’ mentality constantly. It’s eating a LOT of raw cookie dough in your pajamas. It’s praying on the go all the time and hoping you heard the Lord when He answers back through the crazy.
It’s being humiliated by how woefully lacking in success each day usually feels.
This is what many days feel like. Not successful. Not advancing. Not pretty or pleasant or peaceful. It is most definitely a love/hate season for me.
But, this is war. This calling, this ministry of parenting (both our own and other’s), the blood sweat and tears… how could I expect anything different than exactly what it is. Exactly how hard it is.
The battle between good and evil is ever ongoing and you’d better believe the Enemy would take out willing enemy fighters.
You’d better believe God would put mighty burdens on shoulders willing to carry them.
We are willing.
Maybe not able. Maybe not the best choice. Perhaps not the most efficient or worthy or even eager… but we said yes.
And so the trials come in waves and the sorrows and loss innumerable. It will take its toll as all such burdens do- but as I write I’m reminded it’ll be worth it. It probably won’t be fun. It definitely is not sexy or glamorous. My faults and shortcomings are highlighted with resounding regularity within the calling.
Looking back this is a pretty Debbie Downer post, but it’s an honest one. Perhaps it will help you know how to pray for us, perhaps it’ll help others to #bebrave and step out into that calling Gods got over their lives, maybe another just needs to see Jesus within the loss of our life and know He is present within theirs as well.
Trust in God is a choice. There need be no emotion or ‘what ifs’ about it. We serve a no-matter-what-God. Good bad or ugly we can serve and trust Him no matter what, because no matter what He is good, He is worthy, and He will work it all for our good.