As I lay here early, watching the dark night turn gray with the morning I want to write about everything that’s happened in the last 12 hours. I’m supposed to be on my way to see my daughter, who as you know from last week, is critically ill. we were going to take our 2 boys with us today to St. Louis but God had other plans.
Our 7 year old son presented to me last night with the exact same symptoms that my daughter did a week ago. Super high fever, general aches and pains, and extreme fatigue. After taking his temp and finding it around 105 and had my first true freak out of all this. Immediate flashbacks to those last 30 mins with her as she decompensated in my arms rushed to my head and I found myself shaking with adrenaline as I hurriedly loaded him into the car for the hospital in the dead of night. We got to the next town over only to find that there had been some sort of incident and a train was blocking my usual route to the hospital. I went down to the next crossing. Blocked also. The next and the next- all closed. I hurriedly turned on my GPS to navigate the streets, trying to find a way through, all the while doing my best to remain calm and keep him talking- only to hear him saying some of the exact same things to me about how he was feeling that my daughter had. I swear my heart stopped beating a few times. GPS took me up and around town, through streets I was totally unfamiliar with, unclear signage, dimly lit with few to no lights… to a dead end. Not on the map- but certainly in real life.
And there right in front of my poor son I had a complete emotional come-apart with God. In the dark, with child number 2 throwing up beside me, in a familiar town but on a dead end road, hands shaking so badly I could hardly steer at times- I screamed out in frustration and fear to Jesus. I needed a WAY OUT! I told Him so, over and over- loudly- as we started traveling out of town in the opposite direction of the hospital. I have never felt so utterly lost as I did in those moments. Not alone- there’s a difference- but totally bewildered and confounded.
Eventually we got to the hospital- significantly later than I wanted to to. I begged God for a friendly face to help us there. Having worked around the area as a nurse it’s a perk to know many medical people all over. I asked Him for a friend. As I carried my little guy in I scanned the room and didn’t see a soul I knew. My heart took another hit as I started rehearsing the entire last week in my head in order to justify why I was bringing my probably-just-has-the-flu kid to the emergency room in the middle of the night. I knew I was there in an abundance of caution- but telling that to the nurses seemed silly. They signed us in and I turned to the nurse calling us back. She gave me a funny look and asked if we knew each other. She didn’t at all look familiar to me but I responded that I was a nurse and perhaps we had run into one another at some point. She shook her head, stared a second longer, then gave me a huge hug as she said, “You had the daughter up in PICU this week. I helped take care of her that night.” I literally collapsed in her arms telling her as I did that my son was exhibiting the same onset.
More words weren’t needed. That was it. No explanation. We were quickly whisked up and got him taken care of.
So the end of the story remains to be seen, but he’s doing okay right now. His labs all came back negative but he’s got a white count so there’s infection somewhere. He responded like a champ to all the therapies. His temp remains high but not <so> high. He got IV antibiotics overnight and we’ll start pills today. He’s resting comfortably back home with instructions just to keep an eye on him.
As I slept next to his little cot for what remained of the night so much swirled through my head and heart. Fear. Worry. Frustration. Vivid memories of my last moments with my girl and flashbacks that spring up as similar symptoms spring up in my other kids. I fear that a simple fever will never feel the same around here. Illness that is so common will never feel common again. It’s not unlike me navigating those back alleys just a few hours earlier. In a town that I’m quite familiar with, yet was totally lost in with no concrete idea of how to get to where I wanted to go. Even my maps failed me. Dead ends, wrong directions, poor visibility.
It would seem my whole life is caught up in this labyrinth- in every way. It’s utterly exhausting and I’m so very tired.
But then also God provides. I asked for a friend and I didn’t get one. I got someone better. Someone who, though we’re not FB buddies or old co-workers, intimately knew my situation without me saying anything and who was in a position to immediately help me.
That, dear ones, is GodStuff.
Last night, in a place where I was lost, tired, broken; where nothing was going right and the loss felt so great that my legs buckled with the weight of grief, I was still not alone. During a time of such despair- God sent this nurse to meet me at the doors of the ER to help heal my son.
Yet He has done so much more! God sent Christ to die for me, to take up my burdens and the weight of death that hung over me. When I was hopeless and wandering in the dark, with nothing from this world, with all its advanced tech and fancy ideas, could assist me getting to help and safety- Jesus met me at the door with His salvation. And He KNEW what burdens I was bringing through the door. I didn’t need to say anything. He just knew- and salvation… complete healing was mine.
It’s been years now since I got to walk through and be treated in that eternal emergency room and I thank God daily that He still meets me at the doors of my trials and tribulations.
He certainly did last night.
And though we are no closer to any light at the end of this tunnel, and the tunnel in fact feels as if it’s closing around us and getting darker- there IS light. There IS hope. There IS Christ meeting me at all these doors to usher me back to help.
I will repeat my verse from last week because it’s just so good!!
“When we live our lives within the shadow of God Most High, our secret hiding place, we will always be shielded from harm. How then could evil prevail against us or disease infect us? When you sit enthroned under the shadow of Shaddai, you are hidden in the strength of God Most High. He’s the hope that holds me and the Stronghold to shelter me, the only God for me, and my great confidence. He will rescue you from every hidden trap of the enemy, and he will protect you from false accusation and any deadly curse. His massive arms are wrapped around you, protecting you. You can run under his covering of majesty and hide. His arms of faithfulness are a shield keeping you from harm. You will never worry about an attack of demonic forces at night nor have to fear a spirit of darkness coming against you. Don’t fear a thing! Whether by night or by day, demonic danger will not trouble you, nor will the powers of evil launched against you. Even in a time of disaster, with thousands and thousands being killed, you will remain unscathed and unharmed. you will be a spectator as the wicked perish in judgment, for they will be paid back for what they have done!
God sends angels with special orders to protect you wherever you go, defending you from all harm. If you walk into a trap, they’ll be there for you and keep you from stumbling. You’ll even walk unharmed among the fiercest powers of darkness, trampling every one of them beneath your feet! For here is what the Lord has spoken to me: “Because you have delighted in me as my great lover, I will greatly protect you. I will set you in a high place, safe and secure before my face. I will answer your cry for help every time you pray, and you will find and feel my presence even in your time of pressure and trouble. I will be your glorious hero and give you a feast. You will be satisfied with a full life and with all that I do for you. For you will enjoy the fullness of my salvation!””
Psalms 91:1-16 TPT