I’ll be honest, when I was asked to be a guest writer for this series to discuss how I found God in chronic illness, I wasn’t sure I was the best person for the job. I haven’t had the strongest belief in God in recent years and, in all honesty, over the last six years I’ve really struggled with my faith. I have struggled to understand why I’ve faced so many struggles and what I did to deserve the things that have happened. I have felt at many times in the last decade that if God was truly a Good God that I wouldn’t have faced the trials that I have. But through the eyes of others and through the work that He has done in my life, I’ve come to realize that this isn’t true. I know that My God is a Good God. I still struggle to truly understand why things happen, but I suppose I may never completely understand. Let’s rewind and take a look at the journey that has gotten me to where I am today. In the Spring of 2012, I was living a good life working as an RN and acting as Charge Nurse most shifts. I loved my job working twelve hour shifts and having a job with direct patient contact. In January of 2012, I was hired as an adjunct Clinical Instructor for a local nursing school and I was so thrilled because it was something I had wanted to do since I graduated nursing school in 2007. I had also just started working on my Masters in Nursing Education. I was so excited to be moving toward my goal of teaching in a nursing program. My life was on track and I was happy.

Then in February of 2012, everything changed. I was hospitalized for a week with a respiratory infection that no one could quite figure out. Looking back, I can see that this was just the beginning of the decline in my health. I was off work for a month at that point because I just couldn’t breathe, despite all the treatments they tried. I was always exhausted and experiencing extreme joint pain, more pain than I had ever experienced before. That July, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus which explained so much of how I had been feeling and the symptoms I had experienced over many previous years. In the months and years following my Lupus diagnosis I was also diagnosed with many other life-altering diagnoses that it made it hard to see any kind of future for myself. After receiving my Lupus diagnosis, it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able physically to continue working my current job. Due to my health I not only had to leave my job, I also had to step down from my teaching position with the nursing program simply because I wasn’t well enough to teach. I also had to drop out of the Masters program that I had just started. I was crushed to say the least. I just couldn’t understand why God would allow these things to happen and why I needed to live through so many trials. I couldn’t see past the diagnosis. I couldn’t understand why my abilities to do the things I dreamed, including my job, furthering my education, and having children, were being taken away. I was also diagnosed with endometriosis, which meant I will never be able to carry my own baby. This is something I have always wanted more than anything! I couldn’t fathom what I could have possibly done to deserve what was happening.

In the months following my diagnosis, I really began to struggle with my faith. Even though I grew up in church and knew all the teachings, I still struggled. I stopped going to church and just couldn’t understand why a God who was supposed to be caring and loving would let all this happen! I couldn’t see past the present to see what he was working on for my future.

I spent so much time the first few years following my diagnosis praying, yelling, and asking why, before the plan God had for me finally started to become clear. My world as I knew it had essentially came to an end. I was no longer able to work the job I loved, my most recent relationship had come to an end, and people who I felt were life-long friends just walked away. They said they couldn’t handle the changes I was forced to make because of my declining health. I knew what I needed but I couldn’t find it. I knew I needed to find support in people who were or had gone through the things I was now dealing with. I needed a place where I could be totally open and honest about how I felt and what was going on without fearing judgement. I knew what I needed but I couldn’t find it.

I searched and searched for some place I could go for support. A place I could go and talk to others who were living through the same issues I was experiencing. A place where I could go and openly express my feelings without being judged, and also a place where I could find information on the issues I was dealing with. I looked for local and online resources, but I couldn’t find a place where I really felt comfortable. After spending so much time searching, it became clear to me that I was supposed to create this place. I was supposed to create a place of solace and education for those struggling with Lupus.

I spent a lot of time researching support groups and educational groups to find out what made these groups successful. After realizing God’s plan for me, I spent a LOT of time praying that God would help me create the place I had been longing for. He did just that.

I recruited a few of my fellow Lupies (aka someone with Lupus) and we created a Lupus & Chronic Illness Support Group on Facebook. My friends and I created a group where those of us dealing with chronic issues could go and be real. This is a place where no judgement is allowed, where education is provided for newly diagnosed as well as those who have been diagnosed for decades. At first, we were a very small group, but over the last 4+ years we have grown to over 600 members. I never dreamed that I could develop a support group that would grow to be so big! I have received such amazing feedback over the last four years from people in this group. People tell me that the group has given them hope and that they have made life-long friends in the group. I know for sure that I couldn’t have done what I’ve done without God’s helping hand.

That is not to say that I haven’t questioned God and his plan for me more recently, because I have. I would be lying if I said I didn’t question my faith after having a car accident due to seizures, in which I totaled my car, and which has restricted me from driving for almost a year. I’ve questioned my faith during the times I have had so much physical pain that I couldn’t see past the pain. Isaiah 66:9 states “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” Even though I know God’s hand is always in my life, I think it’s only natural to struggle to see His plan when your life is not going the way you want.

Looking back, I realize that God put me in situations with certain people for a reason. At the time, I didn’t understand, but now I know He put me in those situations and put those people in my life to help me reach my goals and to help me get back to Him! When I had to move home at the age of 31, I was devastated. Looking back, I know this was imperative for my health and for my relationship with our Savior. If my health hadn’t declined, and if I hadn’t had to move back home and quit working, I don’t think I would have ever gotten back to having a personal relationship with God. I give my sister a lot of credit for helping me to get back to the relationship I now have with God.

My 18 year old sister is truly amazing and she has been such a blessing in my life. I often feel like I am her second mother due to the fact that we are 15 years apart. She truly has the most unwavering faith in God of anyone I’ve ever known. Without moving home I would never have gotten to witness her testimony or her constant faith firsthand. Even when I felt my life was falling apart around me, she would tell me she was praying for me and that God would make things better. Many times I blew her off and didn’t think much of it. But in the last 6 months I’ve seen God work in her life and in mine. He has helped us both get through trying times and brought the two of us closer together.

My relationship with God has changed so much in the last few months. I have seen His work firsthand and I have seen His work in others. I have not officially gone back to church, but I have gotten back to watching the weekly sermon online and worshipping at home. I can honestly say that since I have gotten back into church, back to talking to God, and praying that my outlook has changed. I know that I may never get back to working as a full-time RN. As much as that makes me sad, I have come to terms with it. God has also shown me that through my work as a chronic illness blogger and through my Facebook support group I can still have an impact on peoples’ lives. My life may not be going in the direction I would have chosen, but I am lucky to just be alive. My testimony has certainly been a rocky one, but I can truly say I have found God through my chronic illness!

With Love,

Amber

If you would like further information about Amber and her various support groups, please check out www.theworldseesnormal.com or on Facebook!